artificial sweetener

This is about to be the most ridiculous, non sense, mis sense and totally emotionally driven post ever existed in this entire universe. Yes! another not-so-positive entry from.. wallaah~
ms syaimaa who are slightly (i feel sooo great repeating this...slightly~) worse than syaimaa shayuthy.. I can't believe Dr Abdel Moniem even manage to find a minute point to compare me and her, seriously no JOKE ok? she was like the ultimate medical student any Professor could ever wish for and i'm the... ermm.. uh.. great listener ever but not-so-photograpic memory student? whatever.. i'm way pass the depression period and the inferior issues.. i can finally accept who i am now.. Tho, I don't mean to stay like this forever. This is a wake-up call for me. I will change to who i can be. BETTER i would say in one word.

I don't know what should i feel. Deeply in vague confussion. After a year, do you expect me to be cold as fish? and that the only person i can talk and confide as a sister is not here anymore, would that make me better? a newly-known friend is finally leaving. I can't act stone. I barely even survived the whole year living with strangers. And now i had to counter another year? It was like a double shot at the head. I surely able to cope with the first shot, but another one?

Will i do great on my own? will i be satisfied with what i want? is this even what I WANT in the first place? will i be a happy manipulative senior? most importantly, am i even a good sister to my juniors a.k.a my new housemates? If i'm that great, why would i chase people away from my freaking 'great' life?

Panphobia is the fear of anything. I am panphobic. Being afraid of everything. perfection. disgrace. rejection. acceptance. happy. sadness. life is intermediate. A little too much of anything could turn the balance upside down. Thus, catastrophe. Just be medium. I learnt that being happy is not a choice. It's a responsibilty. You MUST be happy and grateful. Leading life as a mundane person is not healthy. seriously, medically proven... or you want me to repeat the Oral exam again? just take my words.

I can't explain why, i'm not feeling happy now... too much pressure in one single day. I can't handle two lost. Being alone is not my choice, but it's something i can't say anything to it. gosh, i'm crying.. ooo0k~ this is stupid. I don't think i can hold up to any reason for me being a repeller for human comfort when they're close. Whatever it is, I'm sorry that i have low EQ. My emotion control is not my mojo. I'm sorry thay i lose the rationality sometimes.

oh-i-feel-deeply-dejected-and-hurt. but seeing you so happy, i believe you decided the best. I feel sad that you're leaving, but nothing i say is going to change anything. Tq for trying to hang on to me for the whole year. I'm sorry that i'm all emotional, but i thought presence was a comfort and it doesn't turn out ok. Now that, absence also hurted me, please don't take note of anything regarding to me. I obviously a lost soul, who doesn't even know what I need and want.



sorry that this is a depressing post, but hey, i don't have any paper to screw up anymore, so wut evss..~ just wanna be home, be with Him, where unconditional love exist not in fairy tales


*p/s: please don't turn my posts into a controvesy. I said what i need to say. i'm feeling so sick right now.